I just used all 3 power words…
I recently used all 3 power words with a client who wanted to talk about a previous, traumatic event she experienced. She explained she would like to understand the impact it still has on her most days and also explained she was nervous about talking about it in-depth as when she has tried this with other people she has received a mixture of responses ranging from victim-blaming, being accused of making it up, and having her thoughts, feelings and the event minimised.
The moment I used power word one, her posture changed, she became less ridged, less on guard and I could see her relax a little, instantly.
While she was talking about a particular detail, I used power word 2, and it was as though she had the weight of the world lifted from her. Her posture again changed, and she appeared to develop determination, like she had just received what she needed, to be understood and validated.
Near the end of the session, I used power word 3. She looked at me for a moment and said ‘I have been trying to move past this for so long and nobody has been able to help me do that until now. Not only have I moved passed it, but I also know that it wasn’t my fault and that I will be ok’.
I believe the level of understanding my client received, the strong rapport and connection we were able to achieve using the techniques within Communication Harmony, contributed significantly to her positive outcome of the session. It is helping make me a better Counsellor – Angela; S.A.
I recently purchased and read your book…
Hi Karen, I recently purchased and read your Communication Harmony Book and wanted to share a story with you on how I used the skills you teach, I so loved your book, it has been such a game-changer at home and with the work I do as a Counsellor.’
I had a conversation with my son. He had come to me with an injury and a reason for it. I was dubious and suspicious to say the least, as the injury didn’t concur with the reason. Upon asking questions and watching his eye movements, from the VAK diagram and understanding the eye movement patterns plus the lying chapter content in the book, I was able to see he appeared to be constructing the story.
After rephrasing my questions many times, he changed his story many times. Again this was confirmed with the content from the book. The content from the book explaining how the story will change and chase itself when it is constructed. His body language was turned away at times; no eye contact made. He then appeared more fidgety then normal. Another point in the book which can show when someone is lying.
He would raise his voice and get lost in his story. His state was becoming heightened as his story was more and more twisted. What he was saying showed the twists and he would just stare and go quiet. His state displayed the things explained in the book. The content around lying and eye pattern movements I found very helpful and useful, as I will sometimes suspect a client could be constructing and lying for attention in a counselling session as well. Kyssanda; Victoria
Hi Karen, just to say thank you…
Hi Karen, thought I would drop you a line to say thank you so much for your fabulous book Communicaton Harmony, I loved it. I immeditaley started using the incredibly helpful strateigies in the book, here is what happened recently. I had a conversation with my husband to determine his V, A, K, AD. Due to work commitments and family we haven’t spent much time together in the past few months. I was starting to feel underappreciated, neglected, isolated and unloved. His processing style is AD – (hands down, his top score on every question). This made sense, degree in science. Very logical guy. However, with a busy house of three kids and our work, we were both retracting into “getting things done, tasks, work and kids”. We took the time out to go to lunch – we discussed the different processing styles. This led to laughter at our processing styles, reconnection, and appreciation of how we both experience and receive love. When I need him to listen, I say “listen, I don’t want you to fix anything”. We’ve adopted a code word oyu mentioned which means I need him to listen to my day. It’s triviality to him but he knows how important it is to me. Alternatively, he expressed that he needs time on his own – listen to podcasts, read, research, his threshold for contact is a lot less than mine. I no longer take this as he doesn’t care – it’s just what he needs. I no longer spend time waiting for him to come for a cuddle. It may be what I need, as random physical contact is not a high priority for him. He wouldn’t notice I was wanting a cuddle. Instead of waiting for him to notice I need a hug, I tell him “I need a hug right now”. He’s more than happy to oblige. Simply identifying and understanding our different processing styles has brought an appreciation of difference as well as similarity. We can both get our needs met in our relationship by appreciating each other’s style. Having this understanding in my relationship makes it happier and easier. Thanks again. Michelle; Sydney.
Thanks for such an amazing book…
Wanted to say than so much for your amazing book, thought I would share a quick story on how I used some of the skills you teach. I recently had a conversation with my 8-year-old daughter about some behavioural issues she is having. When she gets overwhelmed and tired, she acts out especially at me and often it ends in huge meltdowns because she has been holding her emotions in all day at school. The meltdowns affect the entire house and it can be hard to bring her back down. After a recent meltdown, I used the first two power words to help connect with her and show her that I do feel sorry she struggles when she is overwhelmed and how hard it must be for her. I think she really appreciated me using the power words and our communication was definitely easier. I also used more softening words when I was suggesting ways we could try and manage her meltdowns/panic attacks when she is overwhelmed. I think these tips from the book will help my communication with my family, friends and business clients. Joanne; Central Coast NSW
Fabulous book, wanted to share a story…
Hey, thought I would share a story with you after reading your fabulous book Communication Harmony. I have a 21 year old son is annoyingly not actively seeking employment and keeps his room really messy. I have asked multiple times to get out to look for a job and keep things tidy,. nothing works except for another argument. I was exhasterbated, until now.
What was really useful when I had a conversation with him this time following your tips was I asked for permission to have a chat with Scotty and then started with the sandwich technique. This “disarmed” him immediately and helped to create strong rapport. By using two of the power words Scotty really felt like he was heard and understood and this helped toward an agreement.
By establishing that he is a visual processor and using “visual language”, he was able to clearly see and understand what was required and by paraphrasing and summing up using those soft positive words you say to use. He had a great attitude and perspective and now a month later he has a part-time job he loves and his room is far more civilised. I feel so great to reconnect with you son as we really were going down a bad path or conflict and as you say in the book, once you know how and learn the strategies, it is so easy. Thank you so much. Alex; Nashville USA